I Will Never Shut Up

Tonight, I got into a disagreement on Facebook. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I’m tired and beyond frustrated of the racism, bigotry, and sexism that has become mainstream in this country during this election cycle. There are major media outlets reporting on it every day, comments that in a normal election cycle would get a candidate disowned by his/her own party, but it somehow, has become acceptable.

The United States of America is BETTER than this.

We pick hope over fear.

Love trumps hate. Every damn day.

You’re different, awesome, welcome! You have a place here, because in the US, we accept EVERYONE, from EVERY walk of life. Not just the whites ones. Or the rich ones. Or the ones that belong to the “correct” religion.

I cannot and will not keep quiet. I have a voice and I will use it until the day I die. I will stand up to discrimination, sexism, racism, bigotry, bullies, etc. I hope that you all use your voices, too.

And vote. For the love of all things holy, VOTE. Don’t skip on voting because you  don’t like the candidates. You don’t need to like them. You don’t need to want to have a beer with them. It is not a personality contest, it is a contest of qualifications. Do you research. Use bipartisan sites to fact check claims. Please don’t let the talking heads on MSNBC, CNN, and Fox be the ones that inform you.

As Americans, we are smarter than this.

Finding work.

I left my previous employer in 2015 after working there for 7.5 years. I was tired of Texas, tired of the work, tired of that industry. I wanted to come back to the West Coast and live closer to my family. In short, I was miserable.

I came back to California without a job, not the wisest choice, and not one that I quickly recommend to anyone. If you’re thinking of leaving your job, try and make sure you have everything lined up as much as possible. For the sake of your sanity. Thankfully, I was working again by September. And you know that phrase, “the grass is always greener”, well, I found out the hard way that it is all too true. I was employed, but even more miserable than I could possibly imagine. I loathed my boss and I’m pretty sure she felt the same about me, my coworkers were some of the most gossipy, backstabbing people I had ever encountered, and it was a contracted position, so I didn’t get sick leave, paid vacation, 401k, etc.

I can hear the collective eye roll. Believe me, I recognize that many people would see me as lucky to have had that job. That’s what I thought. Stay there, be miserable, but be thankful to be employed. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, they decided to end my contract. Without warning, without providing me a reason, without saying I did anything wrong. It was over. Such is the life of contracted work.

Fast forward two months, and I’m still looking for work. While unemployment sits at 5.1% nationwide, in California, it is still higher, closer to 6%. Not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still hard out there. It’s hard to stay positive, to keep putting in applications, hope for interviews and pursue leads. Well-meaning friends give unsolicited advice that makes you feel worse. Your parents, who haven’t had to find a new job in 20+ years wonder what’s wrong with you and your resume. And you start to question all the decisions you’ve made in your life. You ask yourself how you got here, to being unemployed, but also, having 8 years of work experience in a field you hate that translates into nothing you actually want to do. To not knowing exactly what you want to do and on some days, lack an inkling as to where to start.

It’s a dark place. It’s a sad place, often filled with a lot of tears. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But you keep plugging forward and hoping for the best. This too shall pass, right?

Finding my voice.

I find myself with a lot of opinions and either no place, or a hesitation, to express them. It wasn’t always like that. I used to dive head first into a battle of wits with anyone who had a view slightly outside of my own. But now…now, I stop to ponder if my opinion has merit, adds value, or really needs to be heard by anyone, but myself.

I wonder how I came to this place in my life. At a crossroads. Afraid to use my voice, vocalize what’s going on in this big ol’ brain of mine. It bothers me. If I’m being brutally honest with myself, it terrifies me. Too often I look around and wonder how this became my life. I have an advanced degree…that I don’t use. I have a serious medical illness…that I’m not doing anything to raise awareness about. I’m no longer in my 20s, yet, I don’t have anymore clarity about where I want to live, what I want to do, etc etc etc.

I’m alive and that’s beautiful.

I live in a country with freedoms that many people fight for.

I have two parents that love me and a sister…well, she tolerates me. It’s a work in progress.

But every night, and every day, there’s this feeling in the depth of my gut, in that dark place where longing and intuition meet up, that continues to tell me that I was meant for more. My life was meant to be something bigger, something bolder, something that makes a mark on the world, and leaves it for the better.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from this blog. Maybe it will provide me clarity. Maybe it will highlight my path. But my true hope, that in the process of it all, I re-find my voice.